Last night when I pulled up to the bar there were no parking spots. Fortunately Street Jimmy was sitting on the planter box in front of the hardware store so when I pointed at an empty parking spot in front of the Hardware store and told him to hold it for me while I made a U turn Jimmy leaped into action. I saw him wave several cars away as I made my U turn at Orleans . After I parked I told him his payment would be a free beer. He said okay but felt he should get some chips, too. I was feeling generous so I agreed. When Jimmy and I walked into the bar Ruben Nine Toes was sitting next to Steve who's wife owns the beauty parlor down the street. Steve was laughing, "Ruben just called me a South Side desert Jew." Steve went on to say that he was probably the only one in the bar rooting for Miami in the NBA finals. "And I also love Lebron James."
"Probably because you have the identical skin color."
Steve has done something bizarre which turned the color of his face into a cross between a cartoon fire victim and and Al Jolson doing black face.
D-Train showed Tobi and me his new modernized Ale House Web Site. It's much better than the old antique one. Kudo's to D-Train. For a minute we all thought that Jeff Daniel's , the actor, walked in , however , it was a false alarm . The guy in question turned out to be a buddy of Lithuanian Jeff's and he says he gets confused with Jeff Daniel's all the time. If I was him I would turn this into an easy way to pick up pussy.
Street Jimmy said he was having a tough day, "nobody doin' shit for me."
"Did you ever check to see if there's any correlation between what people give you and the Stock Market?"
"Why you ask me that?"
"The Market took a bad tumble today, that's why."
Jimmy has taken to heart what Mierka said to us the other night about referring to woman as ladies and not bitches, "she be right, ladies respect you more if you don' call 'em bitches."
Clown, who was sitting nearby said that he sent a message to Mierka to refriend him. I praised Clown for making this gesture, "Mierka is ultra sensitive like me and she doesn't handle rejection well which is especially tough for a struggling actress."
Jim Sloan came in. He said he was meeting Hawkeye. Jim is a few years older than me but has thick , curly hair and is remarkably trim. He's made a bundle in litigating class action suits. When Hawkeye arrived the conversation turned to politics. Of course Jim is a neanderthal Republican and couldn't handle my overwhelmingly superior arguments. When he accused me of being a Democrat I explained to him that I'm a socialist but am forced to support Democrat's as they are the last defense against Republicans. Hawkeye was a little nervous but Jim is a good sport and nobody's feathers were ruffled. While we were chatting Hawkeye pointed out the window at some kids on bikes, "the kid just threw a pizza box on the sidewalk."
"Tell him to pick it up."
"I think I will." Hawkeye then walked across Wieland Street and said something to the kid, who was black but wasn't dressed ghetto. There was also a white kid on a bike and a nice looking white girl about sixteen or seventeen talking to the boys. When Hawkeye got back I said, "it doesn't look like he's going to pick it up."
"He said he would ."
"I would have made him."
"Want to see?" I walked across the street and told the kid to pick up the box. When he sneered at me I told him that perhaps if I punched him in the face he would stop sneering. He immediately got on his bike and rode out into North Avenue and started calling me names. While he was doing this a car almost hit him. I then dared the white kid to get off of his bike and when he peddled away I turned to the girl and said, "how can you even consider fucking these two gutless punks?"
This enraged the black kid and for a minute I thought he was going to get close enough to me where I could smack him. Finally the boys rode away and I picked up the box. Lee and Jose were outside smoking and saw the whole thing. I was now laughing, "those kids were just small enough for me, a little bigger and I would have had to give it a pass. " Lee and Jose thought it was very funny. Hawkeye said he hates violence. Perhaps he does but that didn't prevent him from slugging Damien one night.
This morning, although I was a little late I was still the first one to the bar. It was an absolutely perfect morning and I enjoyed the walk immensely. Patrick the Carpenter knocked at the side door followed by Faggypants. Faggypants was wearing a wonderful hat with a drawing of a pin up girl on top of it . He said the town his mother lives in, " is the absolutely most boring place in the world. I was sitting in the garage watching TV and somebody walked by on the sidewalk so I waved at him and he acted like I was nuts. I hate it out there. "
When Street Jimmy arrived Faggypants gave him the sandwich he'd brought. Jimmy grumbled about the bread, "an I don' like no mayo on it, never did since I was a kid."
Faggypants said Jimmy was a very picky eater, especially for a homeless person. The bum they call Santa Klaus was walking toward our dumpster and when Jimmy saw him through the open side door he leaped to his feet and ran outside, I could hear Jimmy cussing out Santa Klaus and warning him about what would happen if Jimmy caught him trying to steal his belongings. We all felt that the garbage wasn't a good place to hide stuff but Jimmy said he had no place else to put his things.
Jimmy had a new T shirt which had a nice classic drawing silk screened on it. He said his fat white lady gave it to him, "she say she can' give me no more money until July which pisses me off."
"Ladies don't give you money unless you're porking them."
"She too fat an ugly."
"Jimmy, you're a liar."
"No I ain't. I spose I could blindfold her and have somebody else fuck her and tell her it was me."
Faggypants said he wished he had enough money to open a hot dog stand across the street from the bar, "all I'd need is about a hundred square feet."
"You could call it Faggypants Hot Dogs and have a sign over the door Cum Inside!"
Faggypants laughed so hard I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel. When he stopped laughing he said, "that's really not a bad idea."
"Of course it's not, you're already famous , everyone would want to try your hot dogs, you could have Screaming Queen french fries, and Twink salads."
After Faggypants got done laughing he said he thought a few people would be offended , "but now days people are offended about everything."
Faggypants then asked me to tell Mr. Ebert what a huge fan he is, "tell him we have the same taste and I always read his reviews." Faggypants went on to say that he thinks he'd like to be a movie critic, "I would only have one sentence reviews, and then I would have a color system instead of a star system, for instance blue would mean great, white , okay, and red would be really bad. I'd give each actor a color, same with the director."
I told Faggypants that I thought it was a brilliant idea.